head over heels

It’s an ungodly hour right now, 5:32AM. I should be sleeping but I can’t really fall asleep. Other than the fact that I am really scared in my room right now, other things are keeping me up too. It seems really dumb but I am really terrified to be alone. Nevermind that I turned on all the lights that I could possibly turn on in my room, just the fact that I am in here by myself really scares me. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually had to be alone before since I grew up in a house where I was always with someone.

Besides that, I’ve been really unhappy lately. I can’t really pin it on anything, I’m actually a bit confused as to why I’m feeling like this. But sometimes things that I would normally just shrug off makes me kind of sad now. I guess since I am already in a mood where I’m not at my happiest it wouldn’t take much to bring me down. But I’m also very easy to cheer up, which is a good thing. I will always prefer to smile than be sad.

I guess a good example would be something that happened today. I was talking to my friend and out of nowhere she told me that I’m annoying. At first I thought it was a joke but later I realized it wasn’t. I don’t know why but that made me kind of sad. I thought about it a lot when I was taking my test. I still am, obviously. I guess I’m just annoying as a person. I am probably an acquired taste, that takes years to develop. I believe my close friends from high school and longer can attest to that. But it still makes me kind of sad to hear it.

Later, after my test, my friends were all cracking jokes about my intelligence or rather my lack of. I guess it wouldn’t have bothered me too much on a normal day but that comment from earlier combined with my predicted abysmal test grade just shot my mood to rock bottom. At one point I almost teared because like I said before, I am unfortunately a crybaby. But here’s where the nice part comes in.

Even though he probably makes fun of me the most, frustrates me the most, and makes me want to cry the most I do have a friend who (after a while) realizes how crappy I feel. He cracked a joke about me that was just completely and utterly ridiculous. But it made me laugh and lighten up a bit. And it was completely unrelated to my terrifically low intelligence. And afterwards he said “As long as you know how to smile.”

Thankfully my friends have their nice/sensitive moments. Now if only I could find time and someone to talk to. Vent to. Hopefully find a punching bag with.

I’m still all alone.

edit–

So I thought about this for like the whole day. Literally. When I have something on my mind it just sticks there. I get really… into the whole situation and I overthink things a lot. Like when my close friend called me annoying, I’m going to overthink the situation. I find it hard to speak to people when problems arise, unless it is out of anger. But other than that I am severely under-confrontational. And if I feel that someone doesn’t like me, or doesn’t want me around, or is mad at me I usually avoid them. Out of sight, out of mind; and therefore no negative feelings towards me right? For the moment at least. I have a really weird approach to things… I’m a terrible, TERRIBLE girl friend sometimes. Like I said, acquired taste. I’m sorry I don’t fit the standards of how a girl should be…

And I just realized how shitty I feel right now. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere in school, with any of my friends. I know that very often I’m not really wanted because of the very obvious fact that I am a girl and pretty much most of my friends are guys. And I do tend to get annoying because that’s just how I am. I feel a bit like an outcast because no matter what I do I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not a guy, even when I’m treated as one, I am still singled out because I’m a girl. And girls… I have like… ONE close girl friend. And I always feel like I am at odds with her, that I can’t do anything right as a friend with her. I feel really crappy about that because it seems like regardless of who I’m dealing with I can’t please anyone. And I’m trying to expand my social circle. Not because I’m a very social person, I’m hardly a social butterfly. I’m doing it because it seems like it’s necessary. And the fact that I’m forcing myself to meet new people because I’m not wanted around… makes me feel kind of pathetic.