head over heels

I feel like whenever the school year starts I can hardly wait for it to end because I don’t want to have to deal with all the stuff that makes me feel like crap when I’m here. But during the summer I can’t wait for school to start because I actually anticipate going back to see friends.

I stayed up all night to hang out with friends who slept over from another quad. I came back to my room at 8ish and I realized that I couldn’t go to sleep because I really wanted to get some stuff out.

So I don’t have that many girl friends, both here and back in the city. I like hanging out with my friends though regardless of that fact. But it’s completely different for me here and for me back home. Back home it’s okay for me to be one of a few girls or even the only girl at a gathering. It’s never mattered in any way because we were all okay with it. Here, however, it makes a big difference. Being the only girl kind of sucks. You would think that having more girls in the group would make me feel better but actually it emphasizes the difference in how I’m treated and how they are treated and it’s always always made me feel like complete shit. It’s just like an overwhelming amount of little things that just really… get to me after a while because it seems… not right? Unfair? I don’t really know. But it just… bothers me.

I am a big crybaby and I’ll admit that sometimes I can be overly sensitive to some of the things that they say or do to me. But a lot of times, the things that they say I overreact to is kind of just… me reacting as a girl. But they don’t really see that distinction because in their minds I’m not a girl. But not really “one of the guys” either for several reasons.

But hanging out this night or rather this morning made me realize and notice a lot of little things. Stuff that I won’t mention because honestly? Stating them here makes no difference since it changes nothing. And the feeling that I get is not envy or jealousy at the difference in treatment but rather… a sort of wistful feeling? But feeling any of those emotions does nothing for me; it doesn’t improve my situation, change my “in-between” status with them, or improve how I’m treated.

A friend told me to hang around with them less, because it’ll allow them to be nicer to me since they wouldn’t see me as often. But… that doesn’t mean that they see me as more of a girl, just that they see less of me. Which I’m sure they would appreciate since I’ve never felt like I’m accepted as part of the group anyway, so I can’t really see them thinking differently.

I admit that seeing or hearing about stuff that they do together in big groups that I wasn’t invited to kind of stings but I find it understandable because I guess I just don’t really belong.

I’ve thought on multiple occasions why am I staying here? Why aren’t I in another school? But in the end, I always find reasons to stay, even if I start to have doubts again soon after.

My ramblings are kind of stupid but I hope that now that I’ve gotten most of it out I can finally go to sleep. Funny how I’m just going to sleep as my roommate wakes up. At 9AM. Fuck.