head over heels

So I started writing this post when I got back to my room this morning. At around… 7ish? But I had only cranked out the title of this entry when I decided that even though I was wide awake I should at least try to get a little bit of sleep before work. A short nap really. So I went to bed at 8, woke up at 10:15 late for work – yet again. What else is new? And here I am, 11AM bright and early (for me), at work writing on my blog.

I stayed up all night into the morning again talking to a friend. This time however it wasn’t all that fun. I initially thought I’d just leave when he went to bed but I ended up staying just standing around and later sitting around talking to him even after he’d climbed into bed.

We’d mostly talked about friends. Of course other stuff popped up into the conversation, but the central idea was pretty much friends. And during this whole long conversation (it’s amazing how fast time flies when you’re talking, regardless of whether the topic is happy or not) I had a sort of epiphany. If there’s a bad kind with a different name I’m thinking that this would be it.

But before I delve into that Pandora’s box I’d just like to point out something. This blog is pretty much my way of ranting, of venting, of sort of staying sane from the stuff that really gets to me (I found out recently it’s either this or drinking, obviously this is the better choice). I know that some of the people who’ve appeared in this blog read it. Not exactly sure all the whos but I know that it’s read. I don’t mind. This is probably the best way to gauge how I’m feeling about whatever since I’m not really that expressive of a person anymore, nor do I seek out anyone to talk to nowadays. But I think I would prefer not knowing if you read it or not. Although I guess it doesn’t really matter all that much though because I already know who most of the people who’re reading this are.

Back to the topic at hand. I won’t get into the details of the conversation, because that is not something that I want to post around on the internet. But this is more about what I’ve thought about during and since the conversation.

Despite this being something that I’ve been aware of since perhaps last year I think it still really affects me. I suppose this could be divided into two different things: my friends from high school and the friends I’ve made since I started college. Otherwise dubbed the “Dyker crew” and the “Stony crew”. There are problems in both.

I’ve felt the Dyker crew drifting ever since college started. This has been more evident than ever during our first summer break together as college students. The little divisions in our groups got bigger. Even now, despite all of us hanging out during the major holidays, I feel as though we barely know each other any more. But that rift is hard to repair with so many of us. I was pretty lucky to have some close friends from that group stay close, but I think recently we’ve started drifting as well. And that’s not even something I want to delve into here.

And the Stony crew. Which is the majority of my posts here, since the school year is rather… long. I’ve always kind of known this but I guess I never really bothered with thinking about it since I like to run away from my problems sometimes. I’m not really a part of this crew, it’s more like I’m just tolerated when I’m around. I do have fun sometimes, but I am more than aware that a lot of the times I’m just “tolerated”. I’m extremely cautious about my actions and words around them…

I also thought of something last night (or this morning, whichever) that made me laugh, irritated me, and made me kind of… mad all at the same time. I’ve always wondered what it is about me that makes all the guys think “This bitch is flawed, must avoid like the plague for anything not beneficial to me.” But I think it’s only something that’s noticeable, although not understood, after being in the group for a long while.

My friend said something about prioritizing friends and the second he said that I knew that I didn’t “place” highly on his little scale even before he continued on to say that I’m one of those people who are above being just acquaintances but will never become a close friend. One of those good friends to have around because they’re useful or nice. Ouch. Heh… I guess I can still kind of joke around right now. I think this is one of those metaphorical slaps to the face that should propel me to friend hunt for people who wouldn’t see me in such a way but won’t because… I’m not someone who’s crazy social who would be comfortable just going out to meet people. And that’s not a reason I would want to become friends with someone anyway.

I ended up sitting on his couch for a while until I felt that disgustingly familiar burning sensation in my eyes and started sniffing. That was pretty much my cue to leave. But I’m proud of myself that I didn’t cry, although now I’m afraid that something might trigger the crybaby in me.

-edit

I was right about the triggering thing. Roar.